you were the fingers interlaced
inside my fingers.
on my face.
i was willing to take.
i was afraid,
but i was more curious than my fear.
while you let your worry get the best of you.
worry of the future
of what you might miss out on.
your own worst critic,
something i am not unfamiliar with.
but i have learned to embrace my flaws,
while you drown in the insecurity of yours.
playing it safe,
so what you missed out on
was every unfamiliar piece of me.
there is the uncertainty-
the questions we ask,
the judgement we give,
in a world where maybe comes before yes,
and the buffet of choices is so large,
it would take weeks to walk through the line,
our trays overflowing,
pesto noodles, two people
and three jobs on the floor,
who am i?
is this right?
its so loud-
all of this uncertainty.
love is louder.
so much louder.
moving away to new places
and losing what became like a home,
only to recognize that it was always just a house.
some things stay the same
like the food i can get at the grocery store
and my dog sleeping in my bed,
but most of it doesn’t
and i don’t quite know how to grasp that sometimes.
i want transformation
and i want to grow,
but losing anything good in the process breaks my heart.
i see now that it is impossible not to.
that i have lost friends and loved ones
to distance that is physical or emotional.
you, and him and her.
i’m sitting in my new apartment
looking out the window at the trains going by,
thinking this is so peaceful,
it makes me cry,
because this view
means something new.
and i’m not quite ready to feel so uneasy again.
he leaned over the stair railing, crying.
“there is somebody up here. can you please come up here?”
“no,” she said.
“there is nobody up there.”
“you’re letting the worry win.”
it was the most profound thing i’ve ever heard a sixth grader say.
“don’t let the worry win.”
an old camera rests on the desk,
with an attachable flash on the top
ready to take a picture of the petals when they open,
ready to watch the world through its lens.
the room is lit just enough
so that you can see the outline of colors around you,
but not enough
that you feel the heaviness of day.
the nervous system
as calm as a lake,
while tsunamis are brewing in the ocean.
“don’t do this.”
“don’t do that.”
“be like this.”
who are we supposed to be
i don’t really know.
other than entitled.
the generation of lazy children
taking too long to become adults.
but what about the positives?
they never seem to matter as much.
the most reliable friends we have.
because maybe you were attracted to their physical features
like maybe they had a perfect nose or something
but also maybe something perfect inside of them too
that you’re not sure of yet
you owe it to yourself as a human
to say “i’m committed to getting to know you”
you are not afraid of commitment
you are afraid of what you are going to miss
and maybe you’ve been calling it being picky or something like that
but maybe its not that at all.