Settling Into Uncertainty

It has been quite the year. A year of change, of uncertainty, of newness.

I’ve watched people close to me move away, fall out of relationships, and lose loved ones in tragic accidents. I’ve, too, fallen out of relationships, had my heart broken and bandaged back up, and experienced feelings that I have never quite felt before. I’ve received so many messages that I’m still in the process of untangling.

Watching our country fall into an emotionally tragic state this past week has only amplified all that I have felt in this past year: loss, joy, hope, desire, sadness, confusion. It has been difficult to express many of these emotions. I don’t know how to act or what to say, and so I’ve fallen into states of silence, of pure distraction.

I feel unsettled, naked, raw, tears always ready to fall down my face when they can. But through the vulnerability, I have experienced a newfound awareness within myself of what is important and what is not. Of what I believe, and what I need to let go of.

I made a choice to live my life through the lens of love, and practicing that every day is a vow that I have made to myself. But, I have broken it many a time this year, too.

Being human is such an interesting experience. It’s such a charged way to live; so full of emotions, judgment, jealously, resentment and opinions, and baggage that sits on our shoulders from the past that we’re not quite sure what to do with.

This is most certainly a year of transition, a year of looking ahead while also focusing on the present. A year of growth, no matter how invisible or upsetting it feels in the moment.

So for now, I sit and feel all of these things, recognizing my very small but very important place in this world.

Recognizing that there is no such thing as permanence. That as my mother quite frequently likes to quote, “This too shall pass.”

And it will, as it always does.

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