Settling Into Uncertainty

It has been quite the year. A year of change, of uncertainty, of newness.

I’ve watched people close to me move away, fall out of relationships, and lose loved ones in tragic accidents. I’ve, too, fallen out of relationships, had my heart broken and bandaged back up, and experienced feelings that I have never quite felt before. I’ve received so many messages that I’m still in the process of untangling.

Watching our country fall into an emotionally tragic state this past week has only amplified all that I have felt in this past year: loss, joy, hope, desire, sadness, confusion. It has been difficult to express many of these emotions. I don’t know how to act or what to say, and so I’ve fallen into states of silence, of pure distraction.

I feel unsettled, naked, raw, tears always ready to fall down my face when they can. But through the vulnerability, I have experienced a newfound awareness within myself of what is important and what is not. Of what I believe, and what I need to let go of.

I made a choice to live my life through the lens of love, and practicing that every day is a vow that I have made to myself. But, I have broken it many a time this year, too.

Being human is such an interesting experience. It’s such a charged way to live; so full of emotions, judgment, jealously, resentment and opinions, and baggage that sits on our shoulders from the past that we’re not quite sure what to do with.

This is most certainly a year of transition, a year of looking ahead while also focusing on the present. A year of growth, no matter how invisible or upsetting it feels in the moment.

So for now, I sit and feel all of these things, recognizing my very small but very important place in this world.

Recognizing that there is no such thing as permanence. That as my mother quite frequently likes to quote, “This too shall pass.”

And it will, as it always does.

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The Misconception Of Maturity

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Growing up. It comes in moments. The day you’re claiming yourself as an independent on your tax forms. The epiphany you have when you realize that your voice actually matters, when you go out and vote for the first time. The second you decide that you can post, share or say something where you are truly expressing your thoughts, without concern for the reaction of others.

Growing up comes in waves of caring. Of learning from others. It comes when you foster the ability to look inside your soul and realize that this invisible piece inside of you, this is who you are. That nobody has the ability to take it away from you. Growing up is learning that change means action, that desire is not enough to make something a reality.

It’s committing yourself to someone or something, even if that thing is a pet fish, a job, your health, yourself.

Growing up is realizing that what matters the most is love. It will always matter the most. It will always win.

Which is why not all “grown ups” are grown up. Having a secure job and knowing how to do your laundry does not mean that you are a “grown up”. Having adult responsibilities does not mean that you are a “grown up”.

Growing up means G-R-O-W-I-N-G. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, in selflessness, in self-awareness, in knowledge, in self-love.

Growing up is what happens when you realize that you are love, and that it is your responsibility to carry it with you always.

To take away judgment, to open up your mind, and to take care of that love, letting it grow, and giving it to each other always.

 

 

 

Learning How To Love A Body

It’s all about sex, you know.

Who’s getting laid,

who’s not.

Did you like it?

Or was it just ok?

How lonely are you?

Yeah, me too.

It’s a biological necessity,

but a temporary band-aid.

A high for a night,

but a low in the morning

when you wake up with nothing but a pillow next to you.

Unless you’re lucky,

and you’re making love.

And one day you will be.

But for now,

maybe it’s all about sex,

and that’s ok.

Warm bodies can understand us also.

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