As Of Late

Life is weird.

It’s like this complicated mixture of good and bad and confusing and scary(insert a few hundred more adjectives here).

So, let me tell you about my weird life as of late.

Things were smooth sailing for a while. I was like a surfer riding a wave, floating on the Cloud 9 of life, even when things were not perfect. In fact, they were perfectly confusing and I was perfectly OK with it.

But then, sh*t hit the fan. I had a 2-month friends with benefits. There was mind-blowing sex but a general lack of communication, aka, we lacked the key to a good relationship. I’d never experienced that interesting combination of emotions before, so for the sake of my morality and also for the sake of our friendship, I decided it couldn’t go on. We were like moving gears, sometimes perfectly fitting together and other times not even touching. (He said that, I stole it.)

It didn’t help that I had been falling for someone that I couldn’t even see outside of certain situations for ethical reasons. He was in a position that kept us at arms length, even though it felt like our hearts were practically touching. He went away for a while over the holidays, and I sat at the door like a sad, little puppy waiting for her owner to come home. He finally reached out, telling me that after weeks of constantly thinking about it, that we couldn’t happen, that he wished he had a different answer. It felt like this dramatic, depressing, mutual heartbreak. Or maybe I liked him more. I guess I’ll never know.

It was also an unexpected heartbreak. I don’t normally put pictures in my head of the kind of man I want to be with, but if I did, his picture definitely wouldn’t have been on the slideshow. It was his brain that I loved first, and then it was the way he dressed, and then it was the way his lips sat on his face, and the rest just fell into place…until it didn’t.

In the last month, I’ve gotten into a car accident that could have killed me, been rejected by a person that I could have loved, had to “break up” with someone that was a good friend of mine, and most recently, had someone throw up IN MY BED(quite literally one of my biggest fears in life, and I handled it like a champ. Thank you Klonopin). I was blessed with the opportunity to wipe the vomit off of his body as well. Not to mention, I was already sick myself. Though my sickness had nothing to do with an entire bottle of Gin. Karma? Probably.

In the face of all of these weird and sad and gross personal things, there has also been a constant stream of good that keeps creeping into my life, even though it really just feels like a confusing mess.

Because, professionally, things have been great. I’ve had another article published recently on Thought Catalog, just got assigned two paid writing gigs for a major national yoga corporation, and have taken on two new freelance jobs. I’m happy with my work.

I’m an assistant for both a psychologist and DUI lawyer and an at-home assistant for a few families. And then, there comes the occasional paid writing gig, though if you ask any creative person, the money means nothing when you love doing something so much.

My relationship with my family has grown tighter.I have an amazing new roommate and friend moving in soon and a list of never-ending reminders of how beautiful my life is.

I get to do what I’m good at, what I love and be around people that make me feel happy and appreciated. To feel that you are whole without the validation of a romantic partner is a wonderful feeling.

So, yeah, heartbreak sucks. It sucks so hard. All you want to do is scream at them and say “COME BACK TO ME YOU MORON!”

But, sometimes, you just have to leave them alone. You just have to let life take over.

Maybe they’ll change their mind, maybe they won’t.

But, it’s your job to keep moving forward. It’s your job to forgive yourself when you mess up. It’s your job to just keep doing you.

 

 

 

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