Waking up to an Ugly Baby

I’ve been told that birth is a beautiful process.

…Not one that I’ve personally ever tried to imagine going through, but nonetheless, new life into the world is ok, I guess. As long at they don’t grow up to be assholes.

I woke up this morning to a picture that my mom sent me of my neighbor’s newly born baby girl. I should feel worse about writing down these words, but honestly, I’m still in shock.

It was the by far the most aggressively ugly baby photo I have ever seen; the rudest awakening I have ever recieved at 8 o’clock in the morning.

Hanging in front of some big hospital-looking machine was this baby, held up by two big purple-gloved hands.

The doctor was practically smashing the baby’s head, sort of shaping its face into a miniature Shrek-human.


Me: Honestly, ew, didn’t need to wake up to that picture.

Mom: Be nice, grumpy.

Me: Mom, it’s like she has a little penis…at least send a clothed picture.

Mom: That’s an umbilical cord.Right out of the hopper. LOL.

Me: Obviously. Besides the point.

Mom: Ok, grumps. Love you.

Sister: hahahaha good morning to you too Lauren.

Me: Honestly, can we not agree on how ugly and disgusting this picture is?

Alex: not the most attractive specimen

Me: Hopefully they don’t show her this picture until after puberty because her self esteem is shot.

Sister: HAHAHA

Mom: (Sends clothed family photo) Her face already looks better. Beautiful family.

Me: (Puts down phone)

Birth is really beautiful.


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