The Password Problem

I loathe passwords.

I take that back. Passwords are good. They keep strangers from accessing all of our personal information after leaving our phone in the Whole Foods bathroom, the couch of our friends friends friends’ party, the desk in classroom 1B25 in the ATLS building on the opposite side of campus. The list goes on.

What I loathe is changing passwords.

Not only do I have at least 15 different usernames, but each of those usernames requires a password. How illogical is that?

I run across the same problems over and over again:

1. Make a password. “Ok, I can handle this,” I think to myself.

RED RED RED–> PASSWORD REQUIRES AT LEAST 8 LETTERS, A NUMBER, AND  A KEYBOARD SYMBOL. (Why is this even necessary? Why can’t my password just be “Lauren”?)

2. “Ok, so this password will be different from my other ones, but I’ll write it down. Not a problem. Just remember that there is a ’20!+’ after the password you normally use for all of your other email and online shopping accounts.”

3. Log onto Gmail after deleting all computer history in order to protect your moral integrity when you know your friend is about to use your computer.

“Shit, password is no longer saved.”

Remember that you don’t remember your Gmail password because you had to change it last month when you forgot it for the 7th time since the beginning of 2015.

4.Go through process of re-changing password.

Attempt six different password options…get rejected until you find a password that you have not previously used.

Write down new password.

4. Immediately change all passwords that are automatically given to you in a weird numerical/alphabetical form. DO THIS AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVE THIS PASSWORD. YOU WILL LOSE THIS PIECE OF PAPER AND REPEATING STEP 3 WILL BECOME INFINITELY MORE COMPLICATED.

5. I’ve learned not to be creative or witty when it comes to my passwords. They are usually pretty simple; places I’ve been, ages I was at those places, name of pets. Get creative with your cereal combination, but not your fucking password.

6. Also, never pick a hard ‘security question.’ This has screwed me over more times than I can remember.

“Was there a space between Citation and Drive? Wasn’t the first guy I kissed named Spenser? I swear my first pet’s name was Chopper….no, maybe it was my guinea pig, Ginger.”

6. Stop visiting illicit websites that require you to delete all browsing history and in turn, deleting all previously saved passwords.

7. Never check out as a registered member of any online shopping website…even if you are a registered member. Save your time, energy and emotional stability and just purchase as a guest. The only exception to this rule is Amazon Prime. Never forget your Amazon Prime information.

8. Accept that this is the world we live in now and be grateful that there at least exists a “Forgot Password?” Button.

9. Also be grateful that there is a “Forgot username?” button, but that is a whole other debacle that I am not mentally prepared to tackle at this time.

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