Crazy Facebook Messages

Facebook is really dangerous because it allows us to do really dumb stuff, like send people inbox messages who probably don’t want to talk to us, and accidentally like photos of people that we don’t even know.

I’ve made my fair share of Facebook blunders, thinking that pouring out my adoration would be received in a positive way, only to see in soul-crushing devastation the dreaded checkmark at the bottom of my inbox; the checkmark that says to me, “This person has read your embarrassing message and is choosing not to respond to you.”

At first, this kind of thing really got under my skin. I used to go into fits of panic. “What if I see them at the grocery store? How the hell will I handle this now? Wow, I really fucked up on this one.”

I’m not saying I’ve done this a lot…but I’ve done this at least three or more times. Now it’s kind of become a fun game.

My most recent example:

I was volunteering at a derby party for this horse farm, and this hot hipster-looking camera man was checking me out the whole day. I swear I wasn’t in a state of delusion, because I had multiple friends confirm this fact. So, I had this elaborate plan to give him a rose at the end of the party and say something clever to charm him into seeing me again.

When my back was turned, though, he packed up his stuff and headed into the elevator doors. I went into a state of panic.

“Do I follow him into the elevator? What do I say? My god, my heart is beating so fast. What if I stop breathing when I talk to him?”

Two minutes later, after being pep-talked and literally shoved from a friend, I ran down the elevator and to see if I could find him in the lobby. There he was….200 feet away and packing up his equipment in his car.

“Do I sprint over? Ow, this is really going to hurt the blisters on my ankles,” I thought.

Ultimately, I fell victim to my own nervousness, and actually hated myself for the next two days for not following through on this crazy act of infatuation.

So, I asked around. I did some research. I got his name and sent him this message a few days later. I couldn’t help myself:

Hi Keenan,

If you remember me, this message will be funny. If not, you are going to be very confused. I hope you are entertained either way.

I volunteered at the Derby party this past Saturday. I was wearing a black dress and was the crazy nut who was dancing around like a fool all day…too sober and not enough to do.

There are a few things I regret from that day:

1.Telling you that god-awful North room joke. I’m really sorry you had to listen to that.

2.Not introducing myself properly.

3.Not giving you a rose before you left. I saw you slip down the elevator when I had my back turned and literally got into the elevator to chase you down and tell you something charming and nice, like, “Hey, here’s a rose for being so hard-working. What’s your name btw?”, or, “Hey, here’s a rose for being so good-looking. Repeat.” But I got down to the first floor and saw you walking away and froze.

So lame, right? Who wouldn’t want a complete stranger running up to them with a thorn-covered flower, showering them with cliche compliments?

Sometimes I do bold things, but this “sometimes”, I let my nerves get the best of me. I’d hate to let them get in the way of any opportunity that could pass me by.

I don’t know anything about you, and so I’m kind of going out on a limb here. If you are in a relationship, I don’t want this message to cause you trouble. If anything, I hope you take it as a compliment.

Regardless,

I hope you’re having a great week and playing in the rain.

From a crazy stranger,

Lauren Ferrier

^^^^^^^^ That was the literal message I sent. He never responded. Maybe he was staring at me all day because I had toilet paper on my shoe?

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